Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
