Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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