ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I FOUND THE LEGS
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
