life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
