How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
