Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
