You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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