goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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