Just fell off a train. Bad.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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