Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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