yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
