Soap is not a condiment
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize