She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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