So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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