I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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