party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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