I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
