these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
