Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My vagina is officially offended.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
