that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
