I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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