Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
