She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
