Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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