I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
