remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
