Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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