my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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