I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
