I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
