I just threw up on my dentist
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
