This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You were trust falling into bushes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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