yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
