Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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