I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
