I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
