I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
