Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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