Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
