How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
