I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
