none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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