you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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