and you said cock pushups were impossible
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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