i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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