can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
