wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
