SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
