vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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