Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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