If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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