My nipple is on Facebook.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
