i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
