There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i now understand why vodka
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize