I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
