That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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