My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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