my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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