Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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