Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
what day is it and did you see me today?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
