Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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