I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His nipple licking is glorious
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