After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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