note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
