I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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