remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
