I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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