I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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